Thoughts from an NCM

Can I just say something about us noncustodial mothers/parents real quick?

Being in my position is not easy. Four years later and I still battle daily to overcome the deep emotions that lie within. It’s not easy, as nothing ever worth doing is. I put it to you like that because this has been a battle worth doing. If I could go back four years ago to the final custody hearing, I really don’t think I would change a thing, and that’s really hard to say. But, because of this position I now lay claim to, I have grown immensely. Some of your greatest challenges bring about the greatest rewards. I’m still waiting for my “greatest” reward, but I have had boatloads of great rewards over the years. And for those I’m very grateful. Every hurdle known to man has made its way into my life. Most of them I have had no choice but to go under, limiting myself to a snail-paced crawl, but every once in a while I will reach a hurdle that I can valiantly jump over landing on two feet with arms raised in victory.

Some mothers leave without a fight so they can better prepare themselves to be stable financially through college, better jobs, etc. And that’s respectable. Really, it is. But I didn’t. I didn’t leave without a fight. I fought hard. Sadly, my attorney didn’t.

I had just came out of a very financial stable marriage, where I had no need to work or even a pursue further education. Sure, I wanted to work at times and even go back to school but that wasn’t “allowed.” So I dealt with it. I always thought he was right. I now see the control and the unwillingness on his part to be my help-mate and to help me utilize my talents and abilities to make an even better life for our children. I was just a door mat for him to wipe his feet on and keep the house clean. But, ya know, in all honesty it didn’t matter to me at that time. I just thought that was what wives did. And, besides, divorce was for the birds. I could withstand. I could fight the I-am-better-than-you-are control. I could force myself happy, right? Not so. It doesn’t work like that. Even my worst nightmares couldn’t have prepared me for what lie ahead; the intense heartache, overwhelming grief, never ending fear, and the many sleepless nights cuddling with two imaginary childless forms and a bed full of tear-stained pillows.

Even with this, though, they are where they need to be. I don’t fight it anymore. All the fighting does is stir up emotions that my children need to be spared from. They have heard the harsh words spouted by their father about how horrible and irresponsible of a mother/person/woman I am; they don’t need more. I know I’m not perfect, but at least I recognize my weakness and shortcomings and choose to expand on those and make a better life for myself now, and prepare a better life for my children and I in the future.

But just because I don’t fight, doesn’t mean I have given up. I know that I my boys and I will be together again. I don’t know when; that’s for God’s choosing, but I’m confident that my prayers are heard, my losses will be recouped and revenge will be paid – when God says. Karma to me is one of these new-age(y) words, but reality is reality. You will pay a price for your actions, and you will reap what you sow. Even the Bible says that in Galatians 6:7. I am sure many of the things I am going through today are just reaping what I have sown. And that’s fine with me. I need to learn these things. I need to be tested and tried and thrown in the fire. I need to be a stronger person individually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and professionally. I need this. And my boys need this, all three of them. They need a mom (a grown, fully-mature woman) who isn’t going to cower ashamedly anymore under another’s strong arm, a mom who isn’t going to let someone make decisions for her, and a mom who is going to stand strong, confident and be powerful in her own way, in her own time.

So to those of you who are on the outside looking in, don’t judge a book by its cover. I know that phrase has been used well beyond its limit, but we really are no different than you. You have your challenges, we have ours. You may not be a noncustodial parent, but there’s something in your life that has brought you to your knees in the same heartache, grief, fear, sleepless nights and tear-soaked pillows. We love our kids just as much, if not more, than you do. I can only say that because my love has grown deeper and wider as a result of my not being with them. Love has many, many facets, and the kind of love I have now would have never been developed if it wasn’t for our not being together on a daily basis over the last four years.

If you have ever looked down or judged a noncustodial mother, think again. It’s just as easy nowadays for a mom to lose custody as it is for a dad. Not all of us (granted, there are a few) are child abusers, adulterers, drug addicts, alcoholics, nor did we abandon our children and walk away without even so much as a hug. I never abused my children, never committed adultery, never used drugs, drank rarely for a two-year time frame after the divorce, and I for sure didn’t abandon my children. Both of my moves out-of-state were brought about circumstances way out of my control, mostly financial reasons.

Noncustodial parents are stronger and more capable than what we get credit for. Some of us willingly put our children and their needs first so they can have stability. I am one of those. And I’m proud of it. Being ashamed of who I am and what I’ve been through serves no purpose to my children, myself or to you. With all that said, I encourage you to take hold of your challenges and circumstances, your failures and victories and let them stir up within you a new resolve to make the best of every situation and become a better you. You are worth it, even if no one else thinks so!